Govt Chef
$17.50/hour
As the chief chef, you may be referred to as upon to feed the President and be sure that he has a superb time.
Duties:
● Convey each meal to the President on an enormous spinning plate atop a stick such as you’re a magician.
● Style-test every chunk of meals for poison and likewise to ensure it’s not too scorching.
● Decide which nation america ought to go to battle with.
● Information of ice-cream sundaes is a plus!
Volunteer Gardener
Unpaid, for faculty credit score solely
The volunteer gardener will need to have thick pores and skin (as safety towards thorny flowers, et cetera).
Duties:
● Trim shrubs to seem like “Looney Tunes” characters.
● Kill all of the bees (they’ve unionized).
● Gown up shrubs in seasonally applicable outfits—e.g., chunky sweaters for fall.
● First level of contact for Vladimir Putin.
Social-Media Supervisor
$2.13/hour, plus ideas
As social-media supervisor, you should insure that the general public sees solely the perfect aspect of the President, which is each aspect. (Scorching girls solely.)
Duties:
● Put up to numerous social-media platforms together with X, Fact Social, and StateDepartment.gov.
● Train the President to learn and write, plus woke lingo like “ACAB” and “viral feta TikTok pasta.”
● Make the President Folks journal’s Sexiest Man Alive day by day.
● Learn all of the legal guidelines, and delete those that assist individuals.
Driver
$40,000-40,030/12 months, relying on expertise
The President’s driver ought to be capable to go vroom-vroom quick with out getting scared, and have to be no less than sixteen years previous with a legitimate driver’s license.
Duties:
● Say “mm-hmm,” “sure,” and “uh-huh” because the President tells you about his day.
● Drive across the block a couple of occasions to assist the President go to sleep.
● Don’t get distracted by the brilliant inside lights that your mother instructed you have been harmful to have on whereas driving.
● Train the President what occurs when you set off a nuclear bomb, and find out how to impress individuals by using a motorbike with out utilizing his arms.
BFF Vice-President
You’ll be able to’t put a value on friendship.
The BFF vice-president is NOT the principle Vice-President, O.Ok.?!
Duties:
● Be much less scorching than the President.
● Play “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed house” with the President’s toes.
● Periodically faux to go to sleep and permit the President to attract a veiny penis that’s jizzing into your mouth in your face with everlasting marker.
● When the President tells you that he’s going to declare a nuclear battle, ask, “Are you positive?” repeatedly, in numerous humorous voices, till he forgets what he was doing.
Diver
Sock stuffed with doubloons, measurement of sock depending on expertise
As a diver, you’ll present invaluable leisure across the clock. Ichthyophobics and nappers needn’t apply.
Duties:
● Stay underwater with the sharks, fish, and Shamu within the President’s big aquarium workplace.
● Supply and imprison endangered and/or humorous animals, from each sea and land, to be added to the tank.
● Dealer peace within the Center East.
● Do a backflip and handstand whereas carrying a mermaid tail.
Monkey Reviver
Sorry, we’re out of cash!
The monkey-reviver place is among the most important positions within the White Home. Candidates have to be accessible to start out ASAP.
Duties:
● Present animal CPR on a dead-monkey corpse.
● Have a excessive stage of consolation with weeks-old dead-monkey corpses.
● Convey the President’s favourite lifeless monkey again to life.
● Have to be bilingual (English and Monkey)! ♦
