Certain, I’m simply a mean cardinal from a rustic nobody’s ever heard of, however I’ve been watching inspirational movies on YouTube and studying self-help books by different formidable clergy, and right here’s my plan:
I’ll be very nice to all the opposite cardinals within the conclave. I’ll ask in the event that they’ve been figuring out, and say, “It appears to be like like somebody’s been praying for broader shoulders and sideburns.”
I’ll add enjoyable accents to my cassock and sash—like a beret with a Good day Kitty pin as an alternative of the standard crimson hat—so the opposite cardinals will bear in mind me. Possibly I’ll put on a “Don’t Kiss Me I’m Celibate” badge and a light-weight coat of bronzer, to point out that I’d be a wholesome, outdoorsy Pope.
I’ll hum “I Hope I Get It,” from “Refrain Line,” underneath my breath within the cafeteria.
I’ll bake cookies formed like a papal mitre for everyone and steadiness one on my head as if I’m kidding however probably not.
I’ll encourage among the different candidates to run for Archbishop of the Month as an alternative.
I’ll squinch my eyes shut so tight after I’m praying that I faint. Once I come to, and the opposite cardinals ask if I’m O.Okay., I’ll inform them, “Oh, you recognize, simply one other imaginative and prescient of the Virgin.”
I’ll get everybody from my residence city to purchase T-shirts with my airbrushed picture and the phrase “#1 Draft Choose!”
Whereas they’re asleep, I’ll use a Sharpie to scrawl “NOT ME” on the front-runners’ faces.
Once I’m within the showers, I’ll let the opposite guys unintentionally glimpse my tattoos of me serving to individuals.
Once I’m alone, I’ll give myself pep talks within the mirror by saying, “Good day, Mr. New Your Holiness”; “I’m rested, I’m prepared, and I’m infallible”; and, “Simply be your self and depart skinny mints on the opposite cardinals’ pillows.”
When everybody’s voting, I’ll lighten the temper by asking, “Who did you place for Greatest Supporting?”
For the expertise portion of the competitors, I’ll sing “Ave Maria” whereas juggling hymnals.
I’ll forge a letter of advice from the Dalai Lama.
Proper earlier than they announce the winner, I’ll bounce out of my chair and begin blessing everybody and squealing, “Thanks all a lot! I by no means anticipated this! We’re all God’s youngsters!” ♦
