Due to his potential to fully lose himself in any function—together with that of a mildly depressed vacation decoration—it may be days earlier than you even discover Paul Giamatti tucked away among the many tinsel and sweet canes in your Christmas tree. To not fear: listed here are some useful tips about what to do within the occasion that you just discover the two-time Academy Award nominee hiding in your Douglas fir.
Watch for him to depart on his personal.
Take into accout, the poor little fella’s extra afraid of you than you’re of him. All he needs to do is get again to starring in critically acclaimed dramedies that spotlight his spectacular vary. Happily, Paul Giamatti is among the most prolific actors in Hollywood, with a filmography that runs the gamut from “John Adams” to “Straight Outta Compton.” It’s solely a matter of time earlier than he’s known as away for what is going to certainly be one more praiseworthy efficiency.
Lure him out with Oscar bait.
If you happen to don’t have time to attend, you possibly can at all times strive luring Paul Giamatti out of your Christmas tree by leaving a path of pages from a compelling screenplay that leads him proper out your entrance door. Ensure that it’s one thing he can actually sink his tooth into, like an Alexander Payne household drama, or, higher but, a bio-pic of Teddy Roosevelt. Nothing entices Paul Giamatti greater than the prospect of scoring that elusive Oscar gold.
Learn out the critiques.
It’s a well known proven fact that Paul Giamatti is well frightened by loud noises, and no sound is extra horrifying to him than that of a destructive overview. Even an actor as effectively considered Paul Giamatti goes to prove a couple of duds all through an in any other case illustrious profession. So begin studying aloud what the critics wrote in regards to the 2007 Christmas clunker “Fred Claus” and watch as Paul Giamatti scurries for the closest open window sooner than you possibly can say “Licensed Rotten.”
Use a repellent.
Very similar to his “Sideways” character, Miles Raymond, Paul Giamatti can’t stand the style or scent of Merlot. Uncork a bottle and place it on the base of the tree. The distinct aroma of ripe cherries and darkish chocolate ought to trigger Paul Giamatti to exit your house and by no means return. On the very least, he received’t be capable to assist rising from the tree and exploding right into a tirade about why he’s “not consuming any fucking Merlot,” providing you with simply sufficient time to entice him in a internet and launch him again into the wild.
Introduce a pure predator.
It’s a dangerous transfer, however you would possibly contemplate scaring Paul Giamatti into leaving your house by introducing the factor he dreads most: a fellow character actor. You’d make sure you mild a hearth underneath his butt by reminding him of such scene-stealing abilities as Invoice Camp, J. Ok. Simmons, and John Turturro. However proceed with warning, as character actors are extraordinarily protecting of their appearing prospects, and are recognized to change into aggressive when positioned in the identical room.
Name within the professionals.
The very last thing you need is for Paul Giamatti to make his manner into your partitions and construct a nest. As lovable as a bunch of child Giamattis skittering round your house could appear, they will trigger untold property harm. You’ll know you’ve gotten a Giamatti infestation while you discover DVD copies of “American Splendor” scattered about your attic and listen to expertly delivered expletive-laden monologues by way of the partitions in any respect hours of the evening. At that time, it’s time to herald the massive weapons by contacting your nearest SAG-AFTRA affiliate to have Paul Giamatti safely returned to his pure habitat: up on the massive display screen, enjoying hapless schlubs and cantankerous underdogs. ♦
